Empowering Parents: From Control to Connection with Debbie Zeichner

WEBVTT

00:00:09.151 --> 00:00:12.316
Hey, my name is Teresa Hildebrand and this is Organized Chaos.

00:00:12.316 --> 00:00:19.728
We take a deep dive into living with intentionality, focusing on what's important in our lives so we can truly feel our best.

00:00:19.728 --> 00:00:27.928
It may feel chaotic at times, but with a little organization, the right mindset and a ton of self-love we can still thrive.

00:00:27.928 --> 00:00:34.487
Join me as we talk to other busy moms and experts who will share tips and strategies to help you reach your goals.

00:00:34.487 --> 00:00:37.329
Hope you enjoy this episode of Organized Chaos.

00:00:37.329 --> 00:00:38.845
Now on to the show.

00:00:41.301 --> 00:00:45.119
All right friends, welcome back to this episode of Organized Chaos.

00:00:45.119 --> 00:00:57.168
I am so glad you're here and I am happy to introduce to you my special guest, debbie Zeichner, who is going to be talking to us about so many our relationships, with our parenting.

00:00:57.168 --> 00:01:14.082
That just translates to every other aspect of our lives and especially if we're trying to build a business, of course that's going to affect us.

00:01:14.082 --> 00:01:27.765
So you know, the more tools that we have and the more knowledge that we have of things like how we can parent properly or how we can have, like these beautiful relationships with our kids, you know, the more information that we have the better.

00:01:27.765 --> 00:01:30.852
So I'm happy to have Debbie here.

00:01:30.852 --> 00:01:36.057
So let me tell you who Debbie is, and then we'll get started on this awesome conversation.

00:01:36.057 --> 00:01:44.203
So Debbie Zeichner is a licensed clinical social worker and parent coach who has specialized in working with parents and families for over 20 years.

00:01:44.644 --> 00:01:53.347
She is a certified positive discipline parent educator, as well as a certified redirecting children's behavior parent educator.

00:01:53.347 --> 00:01:59.748
Sorry, that was a moment, but she's also inspired by her own parenting challenges.

00:01:59.748 --> 00:02:10.290
Raising two very strong-willed kiddos, debbie set out on a mission to educate herself and others on positive, mindful approaches for creating healthy and connected family relationships.

00:02:10.290 --> 00:02:17.969
Debbie is deeply passionate about supporting parents in creating more calm, confidence and connection within themselves and their families.

00:02:17.969 --> 00:02:24.316
She helps stressed, overwhelmed parents improve listening, get more cooperation and end the power struggles.

00:02:24.316 --> 00:02:39.929
Debbie brings together her knowledge and expertise in positive parenting, conscious parenting and social emotional development to offer individualized parent coaching and engaging parenting workshops for schools, parents groups and business organizations.

00:02:39.929 --> 00:02:45.707
Debbie is a proud mama of two passionate teenagers who she considers her biggest teachers.

00:02:45.707 --> 00:02:47.372
Welcome, debbie.

00:02:47.920 --> 00:02:49.507
Hi, thank you so much for having me.

00:02:50.401 --> 00:03:00.294
It's a pleasure to have you here and I'm so excited for this conversation because it's like parenting is like this crazy whirlwind of a journey.

00:03:00.901 --> 00:03:01.081
And.

00:03:01.423 --> 00:03:11.240
I think that you know, when we think about like the different stages of parenting, like the different ages that we go through with our kids, it just seems like it gets harder and harder.

00:03:11.240 --> 00:03:13.405
It's like in any stage that we are.

00:03:13.405 --> 00:03:19.426
It just seems like it's hard right now, but then we think back to okay, well, I don't have to change diapers anymore, right?

00:03:19.426 --> 00:03:23.484
But for the audience, that could very well be their reality.

00:03:23.484 --> 00:03:31.812
But yeah, I'm so excited to talk to you today, so can you give us a little bit more about you, kind of like your backstory?

00:03:31.951 --> 00:03:33.563
and how you got to where you are today.

00:03:34.848 --> 00:03:44.590
Yeah, and I was just going to say really quickly when we're in those stages it honestly feels like it never is going to end, doesn't it Like this is never going to end?

00:03:44.590 --> 00:03:45.609
Get me out of here.

00:03:45.609 --> 00:03:47.701
And fortunately it does right.

00:03:47.701 --> 00:03:49.645
Fortunately it does so.

00:03:49.645 --> 00:04:23.672
I was raised in a home of yellers and lecturers and I swore up and down I would never, ever, be the yelling type until I had my own kids and those patterns and those narratives sort of took over and that's exactly the type of parent that I became the yelling, the nagging, the lecturing, just really impatient, just always frustrated because my kids weren't listening and I just got to a point where I was really tired of feeling that way and I wasn't equipped with the tools to be able to parent.

00:04:23.672 --> 00:04:40.593
Who they are and they're two beautifully strong-willed, as I said, kiddos and at the time, you know, in those moments that's the thing that drives me crazy and at the, you know, at the same vein, it also is the thing I love most about them is they have their voice.

00:04:40.593 --> 00:04:43.348
So I really just kind of dove in.

00:04:43.540 --> 00:04:55.132
So my background is as a psychotherapist and I sort of thought that I was going to know how to do this parenting thing based on my background and training, and I was just really thrown for a loop.

00:04:55.132 --> 00:04:56.817
So I just dove in.

00:04:56.817 --> 00:05:10.814
I dove into parenting classes, I just went through every training that I possibly could and it really helped to transform the relationship that I have not only with my kids but also within myself, how I was showing up, how I felt.

00:05:10.814 --> 00:05:30.209
I started just to feel sort of that more, more of that calm and that confidence, and I just really wanted to share that with other parents so that they didn't have to go through what I went through, which was just not knowing being so exhausted and frustrated and overwhelmed and constantly annoyed with my kids.

00:05:30.209 --> 00:05:38.233
So that's what brought me here is just to be able to share this knowledge and support and passion with other parents.

00:05:39.762 --> 00:05:53.694
Yeah, I love that you're able to share that now and not necessarily that you had to go through that struggle in order to get here, but the fact that you decided that you're like I really went through the hard stuff.

00:05:53.694 --> 00:06:08.199
I want to be able to teach others like how to do it and to like be okay with who they are and how they can best show up for themselves and for their children, right with who they are and how they can best show up for themselves and for their children, right?

00:06:10.839 --> 00:06:11.901
And I think about this like parenting.

00:06:11.901 --> 00:06:20.646
Like I said, it's like just this crazy whirlwind of a journey and you never know how it's going to go and you always think, well, I'm not going to be that parent just like you said, right.

00:06:20.646 --> 00:06:26.954
Well, I'm going to teach my kids, my kids are going to be well behaved, they're not going to be throwing tantrums in the grocery store.

00:06:26.954 --> 00:06:32.288
You know they're not going to be talking back to me and you know I can think back to my childhood.

00:06:32.288 --> 00:06:54.168
I was the only child so there was this element of like spoiling and kind of getting the things that I wanted, but also being like disciplined and I think this is like a good segue into one of my questions but like also really punished in a way that is harmful.

00:06:54.168 --> 00:07:03.505
So I do want to kind of go into that and for you to explain, like, what the difference is between discipline and punishment.

00:07:03.545 --> 00:07:24.519
Like what the difference is between discipline and punishment, and you know they are two things that are used so interchangeably and I would say so many, I would say 99% of the parents that I work with have the same similar background and upbringing as far as that sort of strict, harsh discipline and punishment that they grew up with.

00:07:24.519 --> 00:07:27.249
So this is really really common in the parents that I work with.

00:07:27.249 --> 00:07:44.343
So punishment is really about making a child pay, as in pay for a past mistake, and it involves typically blame, pain and or shame, so it's really focused on the past.

00:07:44.343 --> 00:07:59.262
Discipline, on the other hand, it actually comes I mean not to sort of geek out on this, but it comes from the Latin verb, which is disciplina, which means to teach and to guide.

00:07:59.262 --> 00:08:11.944
So discipline is helping our kids learn for the future and it really involves that growth and that guidance and that patient sort of teaching so that our kids don't need to suffer in order to learn.

00:08:12.887 --> 00:08:26.252
So I think what gets really confused is that you know my background is in positive discipline and conscious parenting and I think there's this sort of myth that it's soft parenting.

00:08:26.252 --> 00:08:30.726
You know that gentle parenting is permissive and it's actually really not.

00:08:30.726 --> 00:08:48.135
It's really focused on setting boundaries that are both kind and firm at the same time, and that's something that really sort of sets it apart because absolutely, kids need limits and kids need boundaries and we can't let our kids do whatever they want Right.

00:08:48.135 --> 00:08:56.301
And, as I said, I think my biggest thing that I sort of like to emphasize with parents is that kids don't need to suffer in order to learn.

00:08:57.942 --> 00:09:24.509
Yeah, and you know, when you were talking about how, like describing punishment, it's like I see the harm that that can have when you're an adult, because then you start to you, you internalize that and then you start to use shame and you know all of those things when you're just trying to be an adult right.

00:09:24.590 --> 00:09:45.471
So it's kind of like your childhood is so vital and like that experience is so vital, because you take those things into adulthood and then it's kind of like, yeah, maybe you don't have, you know, your parent, you know punishing you when you're an adult, but then you start to do it yourself.

00:09:45.471 --> 00:10:06.937
So I do want to kind of go into the whole social media aspect of this, because there are so many people out there who kind of claim to have like the best parenting advice or best parenting tips or the best way to parent your children.

00:10:06.937 --> 00:10:14.501
So, whether it's soft parenting or conscious parenting or you know, just let your kids do whatever you want, they'll figure it out.

00:10:14.501 --> 00:10:21.033
There's this whole gamut of ways and like ideology that people have.

00:10:21.033 --> 00:10:24.546
So what do you say to someone?

00:10:24.546 --> 00:10:37.604
What do you say to that parent who maybe doesn't have someone in their life who can kind of guide them and give them, you know, great advice on how to kind of go on this journey?

00:10:37.604 --> 00:10:41.993
And like all they see is the things on social media.

00:10:41.993 --> 00:10:42.981
Like what would you tell them?

00:10:44.245 --> 00:11:00.143
And and it sounds like what you're saying too is that that can also cause I've seen this in a lot of parents that I work with like sort of cause you to feel badly about yourself because there's this thought or this messaging that there's like a right way to parent, right, and it's not true.

00:11:00.143 --> 00:11:03.448
I mean, there's not, there's not one right way to parent.

00:11:03.448 --> 00:11:10.269
And I think, at the end of the day, we're all doing the very best that we can and that's all that we can do is we can do the very best that we can.

00:11:10.269 --> 00:11:15.832
And what you were saying earlier, you know, we sort of in psychology call it like ghosts in the nursery.

00:11:15.832 --> 00:11:25.466
I mean, there's all these narratives that we were raised with, that we continue to operate from right, so kids should act a certain way.

00:11:25.466 --> 00:11:27.927
My child shouldn't scream when they're in a restaurant.

00:11:27.927 --> 00:11:36.009
You know all these sort of tapes that we play in our head that lead us to sort of these fears of.

00:11:36.009 --> 00:11:38.841
Okay, but if my child's screaming in a restaurant, what does that mean?

00:11:38.841 --> 00:11:41.048
What does that say about me, right?

00:11:41.048 --> 00:11:42.412
Does that mean I'm a bad parent?

00:11:42.980 --> 00:11:48.552
And then what happens is we're sort of parenting from this place of fear, and when we're parenting from a place of fear.

00:11:48.552 --> 00:12:14.120
It leads us to want to control, and the thing with our kids is that they don't want to be controlled, and if they perceive that we are trying to control them, they're going to really resist us, yes, and so we get into this really really difficult and negative cycle where we're trying to control, they resist, so we start controlling more, they resist more, and it's like that's what sort of leads to those power struggles.

00:12:14.120 --> 00:12:31.923
And so I think, at the end of the day, really parenting is about being in relationship with your child and love and respect.

00:12:31.923 --> 00:12:48.860
We would likely never speak to them in the way that we talk to our kids, and I think it's kind of shifting this idea of how we view kids from that sort of traditional mode of parenting where the old school kids are to be seen and not heard and their voices don't really matter.

00:12:48.860 --> 00:12:53.371
And it's my way, or the highway, to really understanding that we're raising adults.

00:12:53.371 --> 00:13:12.966
These are young humans who are going to go out into the world and be in relationship, so the relationship that we have and that we cultivate with them is everything in terms of how they feel about themselves and then how they can show up for others, including us as parents, right.

00:13:12.966 --> 00:13:13.888
So it's.

00:13:14.107 --> 00:13:19.947
It's figuring out, you know, what works best for me as a parent, what resonates with me as a parent.

00:13:19.947 --> 00:13:35.171
You know, for those parents who are sort of feeling lost, because I think our default, if you're raised with that punishment as I was as well, when you're raised with that, it is the natural default and I think sometimes it's important for us to question that and get curious about that.

00:13:35.171 --> 00:13:38.870
You know, was that the best way for my parent to handle that situation?

00:13:38.870 --> 00:13:41.769
You know, did I need X, y and Z taken away?

00:13:41.769 --> 00:13:47.513
Did I really need a spanking for that behavior that I did when I was six years old and I really didn't know better?

00:13:47.513 --> 00:13:51.105
Was there something else my parent could have done, and what would that have looked like?

00:13:51.105 --> 00:13:57.393
So it's kind of thinking about being the parent that we needed when we were younger.

00:13:58.881 --> 00:14:43.530
Oh, I love that so much and I really resonated with kind of like the last line of your bio that you know your kids are your biggest teachers, Because really it's about that relationship, right, and understanding your child and figuring it out along the way, right, we don't know, like you said, there is no best way to do anything really and especially in parenting kind of like, I guess, deconstruct, like our idea of what parenting really is, and it's all kind of like this individual thing and kind of like that, that family dynamic.

00:14:43.551 --> 00:15:04.714
So I want, I want to talk about the whole listening part of this whole thing, right, because I have to kind of reflect on some of the ways that we show up when our kids are not listening, right, but like, what is a tip we can use to get you know better listening from our kids?

00:15:04.714 --> 00:15:06.985
It's a great question.

00:15:07.320 --> 00:15:11.068
And I would say every parent will call me and say my kids aren't listening, what do I do?

00:15:11.068 --> 00:15:11.590
What do I do?

00:15:11.590 --> 00:15:12.010
What do I do?

00:15:12.010 --> 00:15:12.732
My kids aren't listening.

00:15:12.732 --> 00:15:22.788
And it is probably like one of the number one frustrations that parents have is they just want their kids to listen, and listen the first time that they ask.

00:15:22.788 --> 00:15:24.932
So you know there's so many things around this.

00:15:24.932 --> 00:15:50.234
I think, for one, it's also about and you touched on this, you know understanding and looking at and sort of examining what our expectations are of our kids, because so often our you know kids act, you know children act childish and so often that sort of misbehavior that we see is actually really age appropriate.

00:15:50.234 --> 00:15:54.312
But if we're thinking it's not we're going to be really reactive to it instead of responsive to it.

00:15:54.312 --> 00:15:57.081
But if we're thinking it's not we're going to be really reactive to it instead of responsive to it.

00:15:57.081 --> 00:16:02.863
So when we're thinking about how do we get better listening for our kids, it's also about thinking like what do our kids need?

00:16:02.863 --> 00:16:04.687
What do any of us need?

00:16:04.687 --> 00:16:07.393
And I would say when?

00:16:07.393 --> 00:16:25.880
It what it really really boils down to and what I see just time and time again that any of us want, see just time and time again that any of us want, and especially our kids, is to feel seen, heard, understood and valued.

00:16:25.880 --> 00:16:31.152
And when our kids don't feel, let's just take seen and heard what they do is they crank up the volume on their behavior because they don't know better.

00:16:31.152 --> 00:16:40.759
Like their young brains haven't developed the ability to manage impulses and regulate emotions and, you know, problem solve and have conflict resolutions.

00:16:40.759 --> 00:16:41.802
They haven't developed that.

00:16:41.802 --> 00:16:44.129
That doesn't come into till early adulthood.

00:16:44.129 --> 00:16:47.865
So they use their behavior as a way of communicating.

00:16:47.865 --> 00:16:55.854
So it's almost like we're the ones not listening, yeah, and so like we're the ones that listen.

00:16:55.854 --> 00:16:56.798
And so right, like we're the ones that listen.

00:16:56.798 --> 00:17:12.102
And our child's behavior the not listening, the defiance, the resistance, is their way of saying you're not hearing me, without them saying like, listen, I'm acting like this because I'm really trying to communicate to you that I don't feel seen and heard and that my needs aren't being met, and I guess you're not.

00:17:12.102 --> 00:17:13.523
I don't know another way to tell you that.

00:17:13.523 --> 00:17:15.647
So again, they show us that through their behavior.

00:17:15.647 --> 00:17:21.425
So part of the questions that we can start to ask ourself are okay, what does, how is my child feeling?

00:17:21.425 --> 00:17:23.029
What's underneath the behavior?

00:17:23.029 --> 00:17:24.340
Because there's always a reason.

00:17:24.340 --> 00:17:26.325
There's always a reason.

00:17:26.846 --> 00:17:36.814
So one of the main tips I would say probably my favorite like tip in terms of getting better listening is actually it's asking more than you tell.

00:17:36.814 --> 00:17:41.589
And what I mean by that is not like do you want to take a shower, yes or no?

00:17:41.589 --> 00:17:50.865
I don't mean that, but instead of saying, for example, go take a shower, it might sound something like hey, what do you need to do so that you can get your body clean right now?

00:17:50.865 --> 00:18:01.151
Or instead of, you know, go do your homework, which is like a demand, a command and a way of sort of our kids can perceive that as control.

00:18:01.151 --> 00:18:07.352
So, rather than that, it might sound like hey, you know, buddy, what's your plan for getting your homework done?

00:18:08.599 --> 00:18:23.861
And what I love about this tool in particular is that it really invites a child's brain to stop and think, because when we ask a child a question, their brain actually has to stop and think like what is my plan for getting my homework done?

00:18:23.861 --> 00:18:35.874
And in doing that, we're building these really valuable skills such as problem solving, critical thinking, decision making right.

00:18:35.874 --> 00:18:56.351
So then, instead of our child being on the defensive, they are more open and are more likely to be a bit more receptive when we're asking more than we're telling, because you know, all day long our kids are being told what to do Get dressed, get your teeth brushed, go eat your breakfast, go get your backpack, get in the car.

00:18:56.371 --> 00:19:07.500
I said get in the car, you know they get to school stand up, sit down, turn the I mean all day long, yeah, so it's no wonder they tune us out.

00:19:07.500 --> 00:19:20.113
Yeah, and I love that tip because it's really sending them a message of hey, I'm in your corner, I'm on your team, like I'm trying to you know help you understand that.

00:19:20.133 --> 00:19:20.614
I'm here to support you.

00:19:20.614 --> 00:19:22.119
Like how can we do that together, right, rather than telling them you know?

00:19:22.119 --> 00:19:30.586
Another thing it was kind of like a I guess I would say like a gut punch when you said like we're the ones that are not listening.

00:19:30.586 --> 00:19:34.423
It's not the kids that are not listening, it's we're not listening Because.

00:19:34.865 --> 00:19:50.332
I remember, you know, my kids are a little older, so it's a little different, but when they were younger I always had kind of like this overwhelming feeling when they wouldn't listen and I would think to myself, why are they doing this?

00:19:50.332 --> 00:19:54.191
Like, why are they making me mad?

00:19:54.191 --> 00:19:55.182
Or why are they doing this because they want?

00:19:55.182 --> 00:19:55.637
Like, why are they making me mad?

00:19:55.637 --> 00:19:55.959
Or why are they?

00:19:55.959 --> 00:19:57.056
Why are they doing this Because they want to?

00:19:57.056 --> 00:19:59.297
You know, make me upset.

00:19:59.717 --> 00:20:06.769
And it was like I would take it kind of personal, like they're not listening because they want to make me mad.

00:20:06.769 --> 00:20:16.580
But you know, you're right, it's like I wasn't listening, I wasn't taking myself out of the equation and thinking what do they need?

00:20:16.580 --> 00:20:17.703
Why are they, why are they not listening?

00:20:17.703 --> 00:20:25.548
Because there's something that is going on that I need to, you know, figure out how to help them and just kind of like reframing all of that.

00:20:25.548 --> 00:20:28.520
That would have saved me so many headaches.

00:20:28.520 --> 00:20:35.765
Yeah, so I mean that in and of itself is a big realization.

00:20:35.765 --> 00:20:58.426
And you know and I do say like they're older, but you know, there's still that element of like, part of like the listening, and the tip about like kind of really understanding what their needs are.

00:20:58.426 --> 00:21:00.853
But what is?

00:21:00.853 --> 00:21:04.882
What is it that kids really need most from us?

00:21:06.443 --> 00:21:12.795
I think it goes back to that feeling of being seen and heard.

00:21:12.795 --> 00:21:17.151
They really have a need to feel a sense of belonging and connection.

00:21:17.151 --> 00:21:38.002
They also have a need to feel a sense of significance, that they matter, that they're of value, that they have something meaningful to contribute, and so when we're sort of constantly barking demands at them, it's as though their voice isn't being heard, and I think that's what causes so much of the frustration.

00:21:38.002 --> 00:21:43.703
And you know, I love what you said earlier about sort of that like trying to understand our kids.

00:21:43.703 --> 00:21:55.953
It is really about how can we collaborate with them, how can we come alongside them, sort of like sitting next to them so that we're like on the same team, versus coming at them.

00:21:56.680 --> 00:22:05.567
Yeah, and there's not like this set of roles, specifically like yes, we are the parent and there are children, but it's like.

00:22:05.567 --> 00:22:24.673
It's not like hey, I'm the know-it-all right, it's more of how do we communicate, so that you know we can all do this together and it's not like I'm just barking orders, right, because I don't want to have a relationship like that with anybody let alone our children.

00:22:24.673 --> 00:22:35.976
So, in talking about our relationship with our children, what is something that will help us improve or build a connection with our kids?

00:22:36.920 --> 00:22:44.815
Well, I would say one thing, kind of along with what we were just talking about, that's so important to keep in mind, is the modeling that we do, right?

00:22:44.815 --> 00:22:50.752
I mean our kids learn from what we do, not necessarily what we say.

00:22:50.752 --> 00:23:03.529
And so, kind of going back to what you were saying earlier, like wait, it's about me, like it's not about them, like our kids really aren't out to get us, they're just doing the best that they can with the very, very, very limited skills that they have.

00:23:03.529 --> 00:23:05.122
And that's really what discipline is about.

00:23:05.122 --> 00:23:12.724
It's about teaching skills because our kids aren't able to do certain things yet based on where they are in terms of their brain development.

00:23:12.765 --> 00:23:16.269
So I think slowing down is a huge one.

00:23:16.269 --> 00:23:41.335
I mean, when you think about parenting these days and all the activities and the afterschool activities and this lesson and that lesson and soccer and tennis, and you know just everything that kids have going on and we're running around and we're trying to maybe run a business right and we have our own stresses, it's just a lot and our kids pick up on and feel that energy and they absorb it, they internalize it Right.

00:23:41.335 --> 00:23:49.902
So you know, understanding that how we interact with our kids is like that's how we're teaching them to interact with us and others.

00:23:49.902 --> 00:24:04.571
So I love being able to sort of when I am getting a lot of resistance from my kids is to slow down and pause and think to myself okay, okay, how am I showing up in this moment?

00:24:04.571 --> 00:24:08.115
Like, what is my tone of voice, what is my body language?

00:24:08.115 --> 00:24:12.738
You know what are my nonverbals Because you know so often this is more of how it feels.

00:24:13.300 --> 00:24:14.883
You know, so often this is more of how it feels.

00:24:14.903 --> 00:24:15.604
Yeah, go take a shower.

00:24:15.604 --> 00:24:16.846
Why aren't you taking a shower, right?

00:24:16.846 --> 00:24:17.826
This is, you know.

00:24:17.826 --> 00:24:19.108
And how does this dynamic feel?

00:24:19.108 --> 00:24:23.154
Doesn't necessarily feel, you know, connected.

00:24:29.420 --> 00:24:33.943
So I think, you know, in addition to that to really trying to slow down to look at ourselves which none of us want to do we're like that's our kids, I just fix the kids.

00:24:33.943 --> 00:24:38.367
But it is, it really does start with us and that is you know, you said it was a gut punch.

00:24:38.367 --> 00:24:41.942
It was like probably the toughest pill for me to swallow, like wait, what do you mean?

00:24:41.942 --> 00:25:00.983
This is about me, because we bring so much of our history, we bring so much of our expectations of what they should be doing, which are really unrealistic, and I think that's what gets us into trouble.

00:25:00.983 --> 00:25:03.333
So I think, at the end of the day, connection is helping your child feel seen and heard, acknowledging how they feel.

00:25:03.353 --> 00:25:05.603
First and foremost, you know, it seems like you're having a hard time.

00:25:05.603 --> 00:25:08.317
It seems like you're really angry about something right now.

00:25:08.317 --> 00:25:08.759
I get it.

00:25:08.759 --> 00:25:09.059
You know what.

00:25:09.059 --> 00:25:13.047
That would make me angry too, before we move into anything else.

00:25:13.047 --> 00:25:15.791
So, in positive discipline, we call it connection before correction.

00:25:15.791 --> 00:25:28.693
It's also been called you know, connect before you redirect so really kind of speaking to a child's emotional experience, which is hard to do when that wasn't done for us.

00:25:28.693 --> 00:25:31.566
So it's practice and it's sort of learning.

00:25:31.566 --> 00:25:38.961
That's one of the things I really help parents do is to understand that and learn how to do that and what that looks like and how to do that for themselves.

00:25:38.961 --> 00:25:57.172
And then there's little things you know, like having them teach you something that they're really passionate about, or just sitting with them when they're playing their video game or watching a show or being outdoors you know just anything where you're trying to say like I see you, I care about you and you matter.

00:25:57.172 --> 00:26:03.210
So it's like focusing on that connection rather than control.

00:26:04.252 --> 00:26:10.346
Yeah, and that's definitely something that we've experienced and I've been so thankful to have learned that.

00:26:10.346 --> 00:26:20.413
Where you know, sometimes I would feel like, well, I don't have time to like really connect and maybe it wasn't like thought of in those words, but it's like.

00:26:20.934 --> 00:26:47.426
you know, I'm so busy doing this, that or the other and or I had you know when, so busy doing this, that or the other, and or I have you know, when I had a career and also a business, and it was just like too much and it really doesn't take a lot of time to really form that connection and you know we've implemented, like you know, walks and well maybe right now, because it's like 110 outside but, you know, when there are those opportunities for us to spend time together, like one thing, what kind of one of my favorite things is.

00:26:47.426 --> 00:26:58.141
So we have two kids and we will spend one on one time with each of them once a month, when they're in school During summer, it's every week.

00:26:58.520 --> 00:27:01.507
So, once a week and we change it up.

00:27:01.507 --> 00:27:17.542
Um, that has been amazing and I have to tell you that the connection that we've um improved is, you know, like priceless and um really kind of getting to like.

00:27:17.542 --> 00:27:19.406
What is it that they like right now?

00:27:20.128 --> 00:27:37.087
you know and what you know, what can we talk about that, like, what questions can we ask?

00:27:37.087 --> 00:27:38.828
And that has that has been so amazing.

00:27:38.828 --> 00:27:41.391
Mm-hmm, you know, you said it perfectly.

00:27:41.391 --> 00:27:53.877
Like we have to focus on us and really kind of, you know, do some inner work so that we can, you know, be there for them and show up as the best way we can, so that we can have that.

00:27:53.877 --> 00:28:05.346
Those conversations, like I think sometimes we also, you know, don't think that our kids are like smart enough to have like actual conversations like really deep connections, right?

00:28:06.205 --> 00:28:13.490
You know they don't have to be older and wiser to be able to have those conversations Of course I'm sure you're doing and how much of that time that you're spending with them.

00:28:26.640 --> 00:28:35.451
It's really about the quality of that so beautifully said that, and that special time, that one on one time.

00:28:35.451 --> 00:28:43.681
It's like it's everything, because what you're saying to your child is like I'm all yours, I'm all yours, and imagine like that's all a child wants, right?

00:28:43.681 --> 00:28:43.953
They want to feel that connection.

00:28:43.953 --> 00:28:45.059
They want to feel child is like I'm all yours, I'm all yours, and imagine like that's all a child wants, right?

00:28:45.059 --> 00:28:46.364
They want to feel that connection.

00:28:46.364 --> 00:28:51.666
They want to feel like, okay, somebody gets me, somebody understands me, or at least somebody's trying to.

00:28:51.666 --> 00:28:53.230
So it's like I always think of.

00:28:53.230 --> 00:28:59.279
They have these little love tanks and when their love tanks are low, we tend to see more of that acting out.

00:28:59.279 --> 00:29:10.067
And yet when their love tanks are full because we've been sharing with them, connecting with them, sort of pouring into them, then that's where they're able to show up as their best selves.

00:29:10.067 --> 00:29:15.230
So, yeah, I'm so happy that you're doing that with your kids and I do want to ask what is some encouraging words you can give?

00:29:15.250 --> 00:29:35.967
to someone who's listening right now, who is really struggling right now with parenting and they do have so many things going on and it does feel overwhelming right now.

00:29:35.967 --> 00:29:38.669
What are some encouraging words you can give to them right now?

00:29:38.669 --> 00:29:40.064
I would say it's okay.

00:29:41.808 --> 00:29:44.184
It's okay, it's going to be okay.

00:29:44.184 --> 00:29:48.644
And to give yourself grace, just give yourself grace.

00:29:48.644 --> 00:29:51.234
You're doing the very, very best you can.

00:29:51.234 --> 00:29:55.307
And honestly, the thing is, our kids don't need us to be perfect.

00:29:55.307 --> 00:29:57.332
That's a lot to live up to.

00:29:57.332 --> 00:30:14.472
They really just need to feel like we're doing the best that we can to understand ourselves, understand them, and really it is just about giving ourselves that grace and tell yourself I'm doing the best that I can, I'm a good parent, I'm having a hard time right now and that's okay.

00:30:15.374 --> 00:30:16.815
I love that, yeah it.

00:30:16.815 --> 00:30:28.237
You know we're always going to have those moments and, yeah, like you said, you know, giving ourselves grace, we are doing the best we can and, especially, you know, if you're out there right now, you're listening.

00:30:28.237 --> 00:30:32.489
Right now you're already doing amazing, because you're actually listening and you're trying to learn.

00:30:32.829 --> 00:30:34.141
You know how you can be better.

00:30:34.141 --> 00:30:38.810
So thank you so much, debbie, for being here and sharing your wisdom.

00:30:38.810 --> 00:30:42.946
I learned so much from this conversation and I, you know, I think it.

00:30:42.946 --> 00:30:44.412
I think it's a lifelong thing, right?

00:30:44.412 --> 00:30:46.788
You're always going to learn more and more.

00:30:46.788 --> 00:30:51.529
If people want to connect with you and check out what you do, how can they do that?

00:30:52.291 --> 00:30:55.026
Yes, and I would say it's a practice and I'm still practicing.

00:30:55.026 --> 00:30:58.349
I'm still in the trenches, too, like right there with you.

00:30:58.349 --> 00:31:02.489
So, yes, so I am on social media.

00:31:02.489 --> 00:31:13.690
I have a Facebook page and an Instagram so it's just Debbie Zeichner, parent Coach, and a website, debbiezeichnerlcswcom.

00:31:13.690 --> 00:31:20.008
I have an online course on power struggles there and lots of different offerings.

00:31:20.087 --> 00:31:30.565
So, yeah, hopefully I'll be able to connect with your listeners and help in any way that I can, absolutely, and I will share all of that information in the show notes.

00:31:30.565 --> 00:31:32.789
So again, thank you so much.

00:31:32.789 --> 00:31:35.624
You're welcome, thank you, thank you for having me.

00:31:35.644 --> 00:31:36.385
It was a pleasure.